“Ma Chérie, ne me quitte pas s’il te plait! S’il te plait.
Lucienne”
It was a dark and rainy afternoon in September of 1931 along Rue de Rennes, Paris. I am left all alone in the rain, soaking wet, along with my dripping bag and water-drenched books. For some reason I didn’t mind. My thoughts were nowhere to be found. It was probably with her when she walked away.
It was a dark and rainy afternoon in September of 1931 along Rue de Rennes, Paris. I am left all alone in the rain, soaking wet, along with my dripping bag and water-drenched books. For some reason I didn’t mind. My thoughts were nowhere to be found. It was probably with her when she walked away.
My dear, don’t leave me please. Please. Lucienne.
But she left. She left and never came back.
I felt that my life was pretty much over and that there was
no point in living, so I joined the Army in the Second World War. At the back
of my mind, I wasn’t really serving my country. It was a death wish, disguised
in heroism – I wanted to die. I knew that our military was weak, and I didn’t
want to fight the Germans either. In fact, my father was from Germany before he
settled here in France. But he left me and my mother when I was 10. He never came back.
I managed to kill 12 enemy soldiers, before I was
captured like the rest. I kept thinking about her. She never left my heart. I
enjoyed being a prisoner of war, and occasionally, the Nazi officers would
bring me along to translate French to German for them. I happily obliged, I
learned to love life and I had realized a lot of things during this time. However,
I had developed a certain hate towards her for leaving me.
It was unclear for me why she left; all I know is that some
people didn’t favor our relationship. I thought we were living the life. I
thought she was happy and content. We were making plans for our future; we made
names for our children, designs for the house, and the places we plan to visit.
But she left. It struck me really hard. At first I thought that this was going
to pass, that she will come back to me, kiss me softly and say “baby, I’m sorry
I left you-” and then before she could continue, I would hush her and tell her “it’s
alright baby, I love you.” But no, she was gone forever from my life. She is
now dead in my mind… and in my heart.
1945, a few months after we were released and the war has
ended, I got back to my old house and had a new job as a carpenter. I received
a mail at my door. It contained a message from her friend. If only I knew what
the message contained, I wouldn’t have opened it. I wouldn’t have discovered that
she had died from a bomb explosion during the war. I wouldn’t have imagined the
horror of seeing her body being blown apart. It was gruesome to imagine that
happening to someone you love.
Oh Lucienne.
The first feeling I had wasn’t sorrow or sadness. I was
bitter and angry. I was bitter because even though I have accepted the fact that
she has left me, I still had that small light of hope in my heart that one day she
would come back. I carried that hope for several years; it was the only thing
that kept me alive. I was angry because I know that hope will be extinguished
and for the second time around, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
The pain was agonizing. It tortured me every single day, and exhausted my tears
every night. There are times at work when I just stare blankly at an object,
with my face clear of any emotions, with some tears rolling down from my eyes.
It lasted for almost a year.
I prayed. I wasn’t really the best Christian out there; it
just happened that a British soldier that was also captured by the Germans
shared some of his knowledge about Christianity. Before we were released and
sent home from Normandy, I went to a ruined cathedral and stole an old Bible.
The cathedral was abandoned, and Bibles are supposed to be free, so I thought
that it wasn’t considered stealing.
I asked God a single question. “Why did she have to die?” And
as I thought about it, my question eventually branched out. “Why did she have
to die - that way? Why did she have to leave me in the first place? If she had
not left me, we could have lived in another place and avoid the war. In fact,
God, why did you allow this war to happen? Well basically, why do you allow ANY
wars to happen?” My prayer ended up sad, and it wasn’t even a prayer. It was
just a bunch of questions thrown to God, hoping that God would speak to me and
give me the answers that I wanted. But it doesn’t work that way, and I don’t
know how God communicates to me. So I just cried again. That type of cry where
you try your best not to make any sound.
It makes everything even more painful.
Why do people leave us? Do people really want to be alone?
Because I sure don’t want to be alone. When I was young, there are times when I
just want to escape from the whole world and watch the stars or have a walk at
the beach. But I have experienced this with her, and it was nothing I could
ever compare. I was a million times at peace and a billion times happy. So why
do they leave us anyway? Do they really decide for themselves that they would
purposely leave us and hurt us in the process? Or is something or someone at
work here?
I remembered that British guy on the prison camp, who taught
me things about God.
One night while everyone else was asleep, I asked him why
this has to happen, and why my life is so miserable. He said, “Stefan my
brother, God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are called according to His purpose. You are here because you have
a purpose. God destined you to be here. He knew your struggles.”
I quickly answered, “He knew my struggles… so he gave a world war and had me captured here as a prisoner?”
I quickly answered, “He knew my struggles… so he gave a world war and had me captured here as a prisoner?”
“Yes! What is a war, but a speck of time in the universe. Remember,
the real war lies inside of you, and not this
war we are fighting, or perhaps losing. But He knows that the war inside of you,
you will succeed. God gives the greatest battles to His greatest warriors.” And
after that, we heard fighter planes from the Allied forces above us, we were
being rescued. It was the last time I talked to the British guy, but I did say
my farewells to him. He left me and I never saw him again.
I realized from this memory, the answers to my questions I
had earlier. It was as if this was the way God talked to me. God allowed all of
these to happen to make me a better person. He made me go through all of those for
me to realize, that my life shouldn't revolve around a single person, and that
my world should not fall apart when people walk away, whether for a certain
time or forever.
I prayed again that she may find peace where she is now. My
life finally became better and I could not ask for more. God had given me other
blessings, some good friends, a stable job, and a happy life. I think about her
every once in a while, but I have moved on from her death and all the sorrow I
felt with it.
Four months later, I received another letter.
Dear Stefan,
Forgive me for the information I have given you a while back.
Lucienne is alive and well, and she is staying in her mother’s house in Rue de l’Argonne, Orlean.
The body was just mistakenly identified.
I wish you all the best in life,
Claudia
I smiled and packed my bags.
--- The End ---
"...that my life shouldn't revolve around a single person, and that my world should not fall apart when people walk away, whether for a certain time or forever."
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Special Thanks to:
lol none this time. Though for some ideas of the war, the movie
My Way starred by Jang Dong gun, and Saving Private Ryan.
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