Forgiveness

How do you know when you have FORGIVEN someone? 

It's when you don't care anymore that you are free to choose to forget what the person has done to you.

How to Love?

With ACTIONS and in TRUTH

1 John 3:18

Faith

Worrying is the opposite of faith.

Proverbs 27:5

A friend who hurts you for your good is faithful; an enemy who is nice to you is deceitful.

(Proverbs 27:5) - "An open rebuke is better than hidden love."

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.

I ask not for an easier path, but for stronger feet.

I ask not for weaker enemies, but a stronger me.

Let life do with us what it wants, but let us be strong enough to handle it. 

My Prayer:

Lord, you know what the future holds. 

Give me the strength to face it, and the courage to adapt to changes. Even if this means judgement and isolation from everyone else, I know I am not alone, for you are always with me. Nothing else matters, no one else but you. I will hide under the shadow of your grace, and I will know which people would matter in my life, for they will look for me and look after me. Before, I was brave. Now, fear has departed from me. I surrender my life to you Lord. Give me life's greatest battles, give me this Earth's devils and demons. 

I will ask not for a way out, but for a better armor, a better sword, and a better spirit... your Spirit. 

I will always be #AMAGOH 

A Man after God's own Heart

Stefan

"Why do people leave us?" - A Story of a Soldier

“Ma Chérie, ne me quitte pas s’il te plait! S’il te plait. Lucienne”

It was a dark and rainy afternoon in September of 1931 along Rue de Rennes, Paris. I am left all alone in the rain, soaking wet, along with my dripping bag and water-drenched books. For some reason I didn’t mind. My thoughts were nowhere to be found. It was probably with her when she walked away.

My dear, don’t leave me please. Please. Lucienne.

But she left. She left and never came back.

I felt that my life was pretty much over and that there was no point in living, so I joined the Army in the Second World War. At the back of my mind, I wasn’t really serving my country. It was a death wish, disguised in heroism – I wanted to die. I knew that our military was weak, and I didn’t want to fight the Germans either. In fact, my father was from Germany before he settled here in France. But he left me and my mother when I was 10. He never came back.

I managed to kill 12 enemy soldiers, before I was captured like the rest. I kept thinking about her. She never left my heart. I enjoyed being a prisoner of war, and occasionally, the Nazi officers would bring me along to translate French to German for them. I happily obliged, I learned to love life and I had realized a lot of things during this time. However, I had developed a certain hate towards her for leaving me.

It was unclear for me why she left; all I know is that some people didn’t favor our relationship. I thought we were living the life. I thought she was happy and content. We were making plans for our future; we made names for our children, designs for the house, and the places we plan to visit. But she left. It struck me really hard. At first I thought that this was going to pass, that she will come back to me, kiss me softly and say “baby, I’m sorry I left you-” and then before she could continue, I would hush her and tell her “it’s alright baby, I love you.” But no, she was gone forever from my life. She is now dead in my mind… and in my heart.

1945, a few months after we were released and the war has ended, I got back to my old house and had a new job as a carpenter. I received a mail at my door. It contained a message from her friend. If only I knew what the message contained, I wouldn’t have opened it. I wouldn’t have discovered that she had died from a bomb explosion during the war. I wouldn’t have imagined the horror of seeing her body being blown apart. It was gruesome to imagine that happening to someone you love.

Oh Lucienne.

The first feeling I had wasn’t sorrow or sadness. I was bitter and angry. I was bitter because even though I have accepted the fact that she has left me, I still had that small light of hope in my heart that one day she would come back. I carried that hope for several years; it was the only thing that kept me alive. I was angry because I know that hope will be extinguished and for the second time around, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. The pain was agonizing. It tortured me every single day, and exhausted my tears every night. There are times at work when I just stare blankly at an object, with my face clear of any emotions, with some tears rolling down from my eyes. It lasted for almost a year.

I prayed. I wasn’t really the best Christian out there; it just happened that a British soldier that was also captured by the Germans shared some of his knowledge about Christianity. Before we were released and sent home from Normandy, I went to a ruined cathedral and stole an old Bible. The cathedral was abandoned, and Bibles are supposed to be free, so I thought that it wasn’t considered stealing.

I asked God a single question. “Why did she have to die?” And as I thought about it, my question eventually branched out. “Why did she have to die - that way? Why did she have to leave me in the first place? If she had not left me, we could have lived in another place and avoid the war. In fact, God, why did you allow this war to happen? Well basically, why do you allow ANY wars to happen?” My prayer ended up sad, and it wasn’t even a prayer. It was just a bunch of questions thrown to God, hoping that God would speak to me and give me the answers that I wanted. But it doesn’t work that way, and I don’t know how God communicates to me. So I just cried again. That type of cry where you try your best not to make any sound. 

It makes everything even more painful.

Why do people leave us? Do people really want to be alone? Because I sure don’t want to be alone. When I was young, there are times when I just want to escape from the whole world and watch the stars or have a walk at the beach. But I have experienced this with her, and it was nothing I could ever compare. I was a million times at peace and a billion times happy. So why do they leave us anyway? Do they really decide for themselves that they would purposely leave us and hurt us in the process? Or is something or someone at work here?

I remembered that British guy on the prison camp, who taught me things about God. 

One night while everyone else was asleep, I asked him why this has to happen, and why my life is so miserable. He said, “Stefan my brother, God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. You are here because you have a purpose. God destined you to be here. He knew your struggles.”

I quickly answered, “He knew my struggles… so he gave a world war and had me captured here as a prisoner?”

“Yes! What is a war, but a speck of time in the universe. Remember, the real war lies inside of you, and not this war we are fighting, or perhaps losing. But He knows that the war inside of you, you will succeed. God gives the greatest battles to His greatest warriors.” And after that, we heard fighter planes from the Allied forces above us, we were being rescued. It was the last time I talked to the British guy, but I did say my farewells to him. He left me and I never saw him again.

I realized from this memory, the answers to my questions I had earlier. It was as if this was the way God talked to me. God allowed all of these to happen to make me a better person. He made me go through all of those for me to realize, that my life shouldn't revolve around a single person, and that my world should not fall apart when people walk away, whether for a certain time or forever.

I prayed again that she may find peace where she is now. My life finally became better and I could not ask for more. God had given me other blessings, some good friends, a stable job, and a happy life. I think about her every once in a while, but I have moved on from her death and all the sorrow I felt with it.

Four months later, I received another letter.

Dear Stefan, 

Forgive me for the information I have given you a while back. 

Lucienne is alive and well, and she is staying in her mother’s house in Rue de l’Argonne, Orlean. 

The body was just mistakenly identified. 

I wish you all the best in life, 

Claudia

I smiled and packed my bags.




--- The End ---


"...that my life shouldn't revolve around a single person, and that my world should not fall apart when people walk away, whether for a certain time or forever."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Thanks to:

lol none this time. Though for some ideas of the war, the movie
My Way starred by Jang Dong gun, and Saving Private Ryan.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments are appreciated, you could also contact me.

If you like this story - 
Please SHARE this post! there's a share button below :)

Can You Really Erase the Memories of a Bitter Past?

He was there for a very, very long time.

"I have to remove these ugly stains"
-Waiter

"I have to forget the bad memories of my past"
- Everyone else

It was quite a lazy Sunday afternoon, just as every Sunday afternoon for me. I met up with a new friend (for the first time) earlier today, some hours after the Church service.

She went on and treated me and her friend with some drinks on this restaurant. We talked for quite a while about random things - she was drinking her milk tea, while her friend and I had this cold Halo-Halo perfect for the hot day.

I noticed on the table across us, a service waiter was doing something, something that got our attention. He was holding a brush, and a small red pail, half-filled with soap water. For several minutes, he tried to scrub some stains on the table. We could tell that he was having a really hard time because whatever it is he was trying to brush off, it had no plans on coming off the table.

He stood up straight again and paused for a while and looked at the stain - staring in disbelief how some small stain wouldn't come off no matter how hard he tried. He wiped his face with his forearms. I could almost hear the words on his mouth, "hay nako Lord, tabang (Dear God, help me)." He caught me looking at him, and by that time I pretended to mind my own business. I looked away and looked down on my halo-halo and served a spoonful to my mouth, by which I had a very painful brain-freeze.

A few moments after, I saw him again scrubbing off the stains in the table. I finally shifted my attention to my friends as I told them "he could never get that [stain] off" and proceeded to a crude joke how me and my ex-lover had our very first date on that restaurant. I have this kind of habit where my mouth speaks faster than my mind - then I usually end up regretting what I just said. 

Those simple words sparked the existence of an entire universe of memories covered by waves of tears and the ghosts of the past.

The stained tables, they are all filled with memories by everyone who used it Whether a young couple, a married one, a family gathering, a lunch with friends, or even a lonely dinner - everything has been witnessed by those tables. Every memory is embedded through the lifeless, inanimate table. And along with the memories, every person manages to scratch and stain the surface of the tables even for a fraction of a fraction. The table does not talk, it does not respond. It only stays silent and witness everything. 

It's a table, that's what they are meant to do.


Imagine ourselves as the waiter, who in vain, tried to remove the stains off of the table. No matter how impossible it is for him to see some results, he still tried to erase the stains.
No matter how impossible it is for us to forget, we still try to erase the memories of a bitter past. Most of the time, we have good memories with the people we love, but it's what happens after those memories that makes it a bitter one. There is no "happy ending" here. Everything that ends makes us sad. It's something you wish you had never experienced in the first place - just so we could relieve ourselves from all the hurt, the pain, and the sorrow that a single thought could bring. For some people, the pain is too much for them to handle, that they can't just accept it and move on. They have to try and forget. To get it out from their memories. No matter how our hearts cry and bleed, it stays silent and takes everything. It loves and it feels pain. 

It's a heart, that's what they are meant to do.



It's funny though... how humans are like this. The way we deal things is messed up. No matter what you do, you can never fix your past. You have to carry it all the way through. It's like a bad tattoo written on your forehead. If you have a bitter past, you don't try to erase or forget about it. You accept it and move on. 

Acceptance. 

Accept that it's over. Accept that it has hurt you. Accept that is has changed you. Accept that you lost it. Accept that you can never change the past, and you can never erase its haunting memories. Accept that no matter how hard you scrub, you can never remove the stains. Accept that you need to know that you're damaged, you're broken. You might be stronger this time, but you're broken. Humans are too weak. They keep on trying, they do everything even if they know it's impossible. Stop trying, stop scrubbing. There's no hope. You're defeated. You can never remove the stains. It's there and it will continue to bring you down until you have become ugly and you are broken into pieces. There is nothing too painful to handle. There are no miracles.


We finished our drinks and conversations, it's time to go. As I stood up, I noticed the waiter was gone from scrubbing the table already. I walked just half a step to check the table.



The Lord was good and merciful...



The stains were actually gone.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special thanks to Nona Gen and Jane for the Halo-Halo and the company xD

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comments are appreciated, you could also contact me 
Please SHARE this post, there's a share button below :)

About me (and I finally found the Pages here on blogger)

This is Stefan yawning on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 

He is a night person, and he wouldn't really last long 

when the sun is still up.

Stefan is a 20-year old Christian who is always a work in progress, a still unfinished masterpiece by God. 

He doesn't want to be labelled as a writer, a student, a debater, a speaker, an intellectual, or any Earthly titles because he is more than that, he is now a child of God.

His life before was a typical earthly living, but with some not-so-healthy-and-good living. Let's just skip some details and leave these keywords: Drugs, some premarital-sex, Guns and illegal weapons, Gambling, and he likes wild parties. Except for the sex part, he has mostly done all those things after the end of his previous relationship with his girlfriend.

His Christian life (a real born-again life) started after the struggles he encountered in late 2013. He thought everything was fine and he thought he could do whatever he wanted to do. For some technical and legal reasons, he isn't allowed to share those details in public. But rest assured his problems were too enormous and too heavy for him to handle - for a mere 20 year old "boy" to face. Because of it, he once thought (and actually tried) to cease his existence in this world. Fortunately, by God's grace, it failed and he lives to tell his story someday. He carries this heavy burden for 6 months until today.

Currently he has taken a break off from his studies in college as an English major (Literature and Linguistics). He still has some struggles every now and then, but life for him is getting better, he is improving by the help of God. He regularly attends church every Sunday, and he regularly comes 10-20 minutes late for the service. On Fridays, instead of having wild drinking parties and wasting himself out until Saturday mornings, he celebrates the real essence of "TGIF" (Thank God Its Friday) by going to church for a youth fellowship and literally thanking God for the wonderful Friday and the week that has passed.

Stefan has a couple of tattoos and earpiercings. He loves animals and nature. He is brave and fearless, but he has a warm and soft heart.

As he is writing this in third person, he is listening to "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.

"Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes - Still I will praise You, still I will praise You"

There are some people who inspires Stefan. One would be David, A man after God's own heart. Joseph the dreamer, who has been jailed and has gone a lot of trials, and still reserved his faith in God, became a powerful ruler. Daniel and his fearless and faithful friends (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego), who remained loyal to God and refused to bow down to anyone else.

 Daniel 3:17-18 -

" If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is ABLE to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 

But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want to make it CLEAR to you, Your Majesty, that we will NEVER serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up!” 

 This is the kind of faith Stefan is trying to achieve. Brave, fearless, and confident. He knows that God will protect, save, rescue, provide, and take care of him.

LOVES LIKE A HURRICANE, I AM A TREE BENDING BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF HIS GRACE AND MERCY

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.