Can You Really Erase the Memories of a Bitter Past?

He was there for a very, very long time.

"I have to remove these ugly stains"
-Waiter

"I have to forget the bad memories of my past"
- Everyone else

It was quite a lazy Sunday afternoon, just as every Sunday afternoon for me. I met up with a new friend (for the first time) earlier today, some hours after the Church service.

She went on and treated me and her friend with some drinks on this restaurant. We talked for quite a while about random things - she was drinking her milk tea, while her friend and I had this cold Halo-Halo perfect for the hot day.

I noticed on the table across us, a service waiter was doing something, something that got our attention. He was holding a brush, and a small red pail, half-filled with soap water. For several minutes, he tried to scrub some stains on the table. We could tell that he was having a really hard time because whatever it is he was trying to brush off, it had no plans on coming off the table.

He stood up straight again and paused for a while and looked at the stain - staring in disbelief how some small stain wouldn't come off no matter how hard he tried. He wiped his face with his forearms. I could almost hear the words on his mouth, "hay nako Lord, tabang (Dear God, help me)." He caught me looking at him, and by that time I pretended to mind my own business. I looked away and looked down on my halo-halo and served a spoonful to my mouth, by which I had a very painful brain-freeze.

A few moments after, I saw him again scrubbing off the stains in the table. I finally shifted my attention to my friends as I told them "he could never get that [stain] off" and proceeded to a crude joke how me and my ex-lover had our very first date on that restaurant. I have this kind of habit where my mouth speaks faster than my mind - then I usually end up regretting what I just said. 

Those simple words sparked the existence of an entire universe of memories covered by waves of tears and the ghosts of the past.

The stained tables, they are all filled with memories by everyone who used it Whether a young couple, a married one, a family gathering, a lunch with friends, or even a lonely dinner - everything has been witnessed by those tables. Every memory is embedded through the lifeless, inanimate table. And along with the memories, every person manages to scratch and stain the surface of the tables even for a fraction of a fraction. The table does not talk, it does not respond. It only stays silent and witness everything. 

It's a table, that's what they are meant to do.


Imagine ourselves as the waiter, who in vain, tried to remove the stains off of the table. No matter how impossible it is for him to see some results, he still tried to erase the stains.
No matter how impossible it is for us to forget, we still try to erase the memories of a bitter past. Most of the time, we have good memories with the people we love, but it's what happens after those memories that makes it a bitter one. There is no "happy ending" here. Everything that ends makes us sad. It's something you wish you had never experienced in the first place - just so we could relieve ourselves from all the hurt, the pain, and the sorrow that a single thought could bring. For some people, the pain is too much for them to handle, that they can't just accept it and move on. They have to try and forget. To get it out from their memories. No matter how our hearts cry and bleed, it stays silent and takes everything. It loves and it feels pain. 

It's a heart, that's what they are meant to do.



It's funny though... how humans are like this. The way we deal things is messed up. No matter what you do, you can never fix your past. You have to carry it all the way through. It's like a bad tattoo written on your forehead. If you have a bitter past, you don't try to erase or forget about it. You accept it and move on. 

Acceptance. 

Accept that it's over. Accept that it has hurt you. Accept that is has changed you. Accept that you lost it. Accept that you can never change the past, and you can never erase its haunting memories. Accept that no matter how hard you scrub, you can never remove the stains. Accept that you need to know that you're damaged, you're broken. You might be stronger this time, but you're broken. Humans are too weak. They keep on trying, they do everything even if they know it's impossible. Stop trying, stop scrubbing. There's no hope. You're defeated. You can never remove the stains. It's there and it will continue to bring you down until you have become ugly and you are broken into pieces. There is nothing too painful to handle. There are no miracles.


We finished our drinks and conversations, it's time to go. As I stood up, I noticed the waiter was gone from scrubbing the table already. I walked just half a step to check the table.



The Lord was good and merciful...



The stains were actually gone.



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Special thanks to Nona Gen and Jane for the Halo-Halo and the company xD

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